I know I Like…

 

Some of the best things in life, seem to be repeated so often, and is so simple. A nice leather couch to lounge on, a good book, and something to nibble. I spend a good portion of my off day doing just that. Put up my leg, sank into the couch, and just read under the warm ember lights. Occasionally, reaching out to the side platter for a chocolate digestive or a sip of tea. Amazing really, how in the thick of it all, it is so easy to refocus and get away from all the hectic nonsense of an ordinary work day.

In fact, I was just thinking, as I read, how I needed to update this blog. But more importantly, how I can easily choose to withdraw from the rubbish hand that is dealt to me at work. I was inspired too, to write a short story based on an episode of Rushdie’s Midnight’s Children. I’ve yet to start, but have got an idea. If all goes well it should resemble the style of Rushdie’s own works in East West.

Maybe one day, I could retreat from the world into writing literature, instead of reading it. I’m not too sure if I’d like that. I do know however, that I like a good cup of Darjeeling and Chocolate digestives.

Crepuscular endings

ORD is coming closer. Its pretty near. Its like the perpetual grasp, the one by which you almost reach, but never do. The one that quickly becomes forgotten when you reach. Each day passes slowly, time seems to have distilled, now viscous and unflowing, it dribbles through, the hourglass remains a constant. Putting aside the agony of the last few days, my thoughts have recently gone to the chaps who ORD before me.

Its bitter sweet really. On one hand, I’m abysmally(the word was most concise) glad that they are finally getting out of this cesspool. The other bit of me, feels alone, vulnerable, knowing that there is one less survivor on the Island. This feeling, is not one that is easily comprehensible. Contrary to popular snitches of conversation, and bar side knowledge, it isn’t “something everybody experiences”. There is a sense of inordinate timing and relation involved. When previous batches left, I never felt this way. The feelings were always simple. It was easy to, shake his hand, pat his back, look him in the eye and wish him luck. Even, at the sadistic plays of “when do you ORD?” It was with ease that I shrugged my shoulder and replied “one year, but then again we serve the same time”

Now, its cuts at the soul. It feels a little like betrayal, this buggers leaving 2 months early. There can be no reason, to fault them, and the heart doesn’t, the deepest recesses of the mind doesn’t. The shallow, pain receptors call for it. It makes me look inside myself and ask fundamentally, “am I evil?”. To which I answer “no”. I never act on the darkness do I? I still cherish these people, I don’t feel the tinge when with them, but when alone, the bitterness lingers.

Its easy enough to understand. Its like going for a run/swim: Alone, you set a distance, you complete it and then leave. With a friend, you probably could go above that set distance, then you leave together. However, when your friend leaves before the pre-set distance…you just don’t complete it either.

The experience now, is the same. I watch my friends leaving, climbing out of the pool. My legs however are being pulled down, by the lead weights of conscription. I wish them luck, then I struggle. Its been like this for a long time coming. Not for me, but for the people before me.

The promise of greater things, the promise of a warm shower after the cold swim, that keeps me going.

 

Meaningless, everything is meaningless!

It starts with a good friend, a Christian one asking “what is the purpose of our existence”. I thought easy question, for $500, my final answer is b.) to do God’s will. I expect the lights to swivel and flash on and off, and irritating trade mark music to play, and for the $1000 question to be asked. It wasn’t.

He probed “what is God’s will for us then? How would we know? What if there isn’t any will behind our existence?”. I knew I wasn’t playing “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.”. Too hard, the questions.

I had an answer, an answer that probably would infuriate the atheists and answer that doesn’t really provide satisfcation and a smug grin, but an answer that allows me to subscribe to b.) to do God’s will.

Its simple really: We can’t know. We believe in it by faith, and that faith is our choice. Is it made by logical reasoning, this choice? I would have to say no. Is there logic in this choice? Yes. I am not saying that there is conflict in my faith and logic, I am saying that often we make decisions out of faith, even if there is a logic that we had not considered at the point in making the decision.

I dwell however, into why I think we ought not to question too deeply whether there is any meaning behind our existence. In my faith, I assume we are here to do God’s will. Bearing this assumption, I am able to function, and carry out my work in believe that I am carrying out a divine will. Should I choose not to believe this, then why do I live? Much cleverer people then me have asked this question. Often, the crux of existentialism is emptiness. I believe, none have come a compelling answer, to continue our existence, that is apart from God. However, there is a path to follow, if we take this route. In the Bible, in the book of Ecclesiastes, a wise teacher searches for the meaning in life, and he proclaims all things “meaningless” till his conclusion where he decides that “The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.”(Ecclesiastes 12:13)

This is biblical reference to existentialism. In fact, it seems almost the simple answer. Yes, this reinforces my believe, that we are here to serve god’s will. Also, it is right that quoting the Bible to support my point, is a logical flaw. I know nothing else however, that is not however to say that my argument is without merit.

Consider now, the alternative. That we ought to question God’s will, and being unable by reason to understand an underlying will, we dismiss God’s intentions and then our believe of Him. This would I believe, be the popular route for atheist arguments. (without going into the specifics of the arguments). I refute this by asking that consideration be placed into the concept of divinity

I ask that it be pondered that we as human’s without perfect understanding cannot begin to comprehend the expansive and complex logic, paradigm and dimensions of divinity. As such, we cannot possibly comprehend God’s will, and so by virtue of not being able to comprehend the logic system that may exist with Divinity, we cannot conclude that God’s will is illogical.

This consideration of course follows that there is no solution then to what God’s will is. It fails to conclude into the understanding of God’s will. Perhaps that is exactly what I hoped to derive. If we return to my original point that we cannot know, then we would find I have resolved this, that I have shown that we cannot know. Since we cannot know, I believe we ought not to dig desperately and blindly to everything else, in hope of an answer but instead rest in the peace that is faith. Just as the wise teacher did in Ecclesiastes.

ps: I can see how this piece would infuriate the atheist among us. However, it is not my aim to disprove of atheist reasoning or to expound my faith in the lingua franca of non-believers, logic.

Destruction

I came down for breakfast and I saw the headlines of the papers. It read ” more than 1,000 feared dead in Indonesian Quake.”
I could not help but feel a little downcast. Its getting rather difficult to understand just why in a short span of time everything is crashing around us. The Samoan earthquakes and tsunamis, the Philippines’ typhoon which has moved on to rack further damage in South East Asia and now this earthquake. Its getting rather depressing. However, we must hold on to hope. and have faith.

And he changeth the times and the seasons: he removeth kings, and setteth up kings: he giveth wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know understanding:

-Daniel 2:21

Who’s that Twat from Argentina

I guess football brings out the basest in us men. But for all the Tevez haters:

Who’s that twat from Argentina?

Who’s that money grabbing whore?

Carlos Tevez is his name and he hasn’t got a brain

And he won’t be winning trophies anymore

Faith in Deception: The logic not there

I think generally, that I’m of faith. I also ascribe myself as a thinker, and I do not find that the Christian faith is in contradiction to being able to think independently.

Often, there are times when we question what we read, and we arrive at various understandings and outcomes, perhaps in violation of a literal reading of the bible. However, it has never left me conscious or uncomfortable that I was thinking “wrongly”, perhaps because its in my faith, that I believe that my thoughts were guided by the Lord and would reconcile with his will.

However, having read the daily devotion “The Thinking Christian”, I’m rather perturbed. The issue raised being “is independent thinking at odds with being Christian”. I fear however, the short write up fails to address the issue. It does state blatantly that as a Christian, we are inherently thinking. However, it does not demonstrate this in any of the following material. It insteads, seems to suggest that the an independent thinker is one who is able to refute arguments against God. While this is an appealing argument towards the prevailing “christian mindset” it would fail to convince anybody outside our faith. It hardly deals with an logic. It seems to suggests that in knowing the perfect knowledge of God, we are independent thinkers. This assumes that we know the perfect knowledge of God. Which, is never suggested in the Bible. It is suggested that we know of God’s perfect knowledge, but not the knowledge itself. How then can the blind defend?

It is writing like this that worries me. Self justifying pieces which appeal to believe and a higher power then logic, yet masquerading as a well articulated plea to reason. I can understand, the lay person’s aversed attitude towards our Christian faith, if these are the types of doctrine or documentation that they are exposed to.

I am offended, that some Christians see the need to deceive, by passing off a devotion clearly based on our believe alone, as a logically arrived one. An independent thinker, would likely reject this argument, whether or not we believe in it. That is not to say, that rejection of a logical flow is the same as a rejection of the message that is being delivered.

The article however, ends with a suitable quote one that I derive albeit, a different path from the writer of the article.

“Faith was never intended as a substitute for intelligence.”

The Thinking Christian

I think generally, that I’m of faith. I also ascribe myself as a thinker, and I do not find that the Christian faith is in contradiction to being able to think independently.

Often, there are times when we question what we read, and we arrive at various understandings and outcomes, perhaps in violation of a literal reading of the bible. However, it has never left me conscious or uncomfortable that I was thinking “wrongly”, perhaps because its in my faith, that I believe that my thoughts were guided by the Lord and would reconcile with his will.

However, having read the daily devotion “The Thinking Christian”, I’m rather perturbed. The issue raised, being “is independent thinking at odds with being Christian?”. I fear however, the short write up fails to address the issue. It does state blatantly that as a Christian, we are inherently thinking. However, it does not demonstrate this in any of the following material. It instead,provides a narrow perspective  suggests the sole  independent thinker is one who is able to refute arguments against God. While this is an appealing argument towards the prevailing “christian mindset” it would fail to convince anybody outside our faith. It hardly deals with a logic. It seems to suggests that in knowing the perfect knowledge of God, we are independent thinkers. This assumes that we know the perfect knowledge of God. Which, is never suggested in the Bible. It is suggested that we know of God’s perfect knowledge, but not the knowledge itself. How then can the blind defend? (To be noted hower, is that this article in an obtuse manner, probably unintended by the writer,  coincides with my personal attitude towards thinking and faith.)

It is writing like this that worries me. Self justifying pieces which appeal to believe and a higher power then logic, yet masquerading as well articulated plea to reason. I can understand then, the lay person’s aversed attitude towards our Christian faith, if these are the types of doctrine or documentation that they are exposed to.

I am offended, that some Christians see the need to deceive, by passing off a devotion clearly based on our believe alone, as a logically arrived one. An independent thinker, would likely reject this argument, whether or notthey believe in it. That is not to say, that rejection of a logical flow is the same as a rejection of the message that is being delivered.

The article however, ends with a suitable quote one that I derive albeit, a different path from the writer of the article.

Faith was never intended as a substitute for intelligence.

Vision

It changes things, being able to see it without looking through an artifical lens. I forgot what it is like to see, unaided. 15 minutes, and I was given back my vision. The procedure, is rather nerve wrecking to be honest.

It simply consists of staring into a blinking red light. However, the amount of pressure being exerted on your eyeball, makes this incredibly difficult. Then there is the blur vision, when they slice open the retina. It mostly scary, that you could possibly lose your vision. (although apparently, this is a 0.01% chance)

However, the most startling, for me, was when I was showering, and I could actually see my reflection in the mirror a good 3m away. The last time I’ve seen the whole of my body must’ve been a good 14 years ago. Its strange, but sweet.

Blindness

Its almost a month since the incident happened. I never got down to writing it, perhaps because in this case I was wrong.

I guess sometimes, we get carried away with our own intentions and perspective. I did. I was getting rather upset that he was falling in a particular direction. Worried, that perhaps he wasn’t the old chap I knew. I’m awfully glad I spoke to him about it though, as casual as my advice was. While what I had to say was relevant, it also gave him space and an avenue to tell me about the extenuating circumstance that has led him towards a certain path.

I understand his choices now. But more, it struck me, how blind we can be. How, we don’t really see all, because there’s always going to be that nook or dark corner. But true friendship surpasses that. For this I’m thankful.

The Crepuscular Edification

Dearest brothers and sisters:
All good giving and every perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of lights,
with whom there is no alteration or shadow caused by change.

He willed to give us birth by the word of truth
that we may be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

James 1:17-18

Occasionally overwhelmed, we stew in desperation for moments, short sometimes, longer other times. A deliberate sense of unconscious human vulnerability. We see the darkness in the hearts of others, we see the plight of others, we see the black of the night. It can be rather attractive, for even the dark has its beauty. We wander that path for a bit, but how beautiful can the dark be? It momentarily ensnares the mind and soul, it deaden the sense and eventually taints our vision with a fairly romantic but macabre outlook to existence. Its tempting to burrow in that almost velvet bedding, however, on the other side, there is life.

It is life that I choose. The bright, the bleaching of the depressed state, the light in the dark, the streetlamps in a lonely town, the stars of the night sky, the rose bridled path on the side lane of the cold forest. Life, its always there, and when we see it, we wonder, why did we ever court the dark.

Always, I remember life, because it was that gift, from he who is perfect, who is unchanging. It is in this faith that there can only be one choice. In that there is one who is unchanging, who gives me surety. This is  the precept that urges that  I must move onward, to live, and carry his banner, his standard.

Charity & Obligation: Wham Ba’am Yes Ma’am and all the slammed doors

Random phrases. Wham Ba’am Yes Ma’am. Bee in her bonnet. Tall, Wide and Handsome.

Delirium:

It seems an act touched with nobility and all manners of imagined grandeur; Charity. Almost, flippantly like saying “I’d do it, it’d be easy.”. Or at least it seems that way, when one volunteers. It seems a ridiculously challengingly task, like a couple of coins in a tin, or a painted wall and an Afternoon of paint. Something, that you could just sideline and come through with teeth all pearly and a heavenly glow lent by the sun and one own’s nobility.

Then the truth smashes you in the mouth. Two jabs, the first quick. Lightning bolt cutting through a cloudless sky. Unexpected and lethal. The second, a slow motion replay, a blur in the peripheral vision. Then a stinging, sharp pain, like a burst acne or a scratch of unmanicured fingernail. Then, CRASH. The upper cut. Full blow fury. Full blooded. A bull with both horns on. A raging tempest beating you because it can. A 250mm shell at an ant. Disproportionate, and painful. You can’t turn around now. You’re dead, at this point.

The truth, is generally a perpetuation of the obligation. Quickly, one realises that charity isn’t all that noble. Not like how the imagination screened it. There is no Nobel prize, no academy awards, not even a matinée screening. One slugs it out, on a stretcher and in splints. We fight on. Wary of the flurry of punches, but obligated to fight till round 14 or a K’O.

So Fight Night comes, again and again. And we keep sparring. Jab, Jab, Jab, occasionally connecting. Sometimes, that well executed jab is enough to get us through the next couple of rounds, but what happens when round 14 comes and there isn’t a K’O?

Two things could happen. The opponent, lies on the floor. Mouth bloodied. Inexorable streams of crimson pouring from mouth, pooling into a non-biblical red sea. Or, we get thoroughly beaten up, in the corner, huddled in a ball screaming “please,don’t hurt me”, pants wet, disgraced and no longer the noble image of a championship belt in hand, smiling at the adoring masses.

Either way, walk away. Slam the door  and seal the door, hammer sign warning “KEEP OUT!”.

Anyway, we never learn. We never perceive properly. We probably would open the door expecting at least the Nobel Peace Prize.

So, Wham Ba’am Yes Ma’am.